Blogging is really not my past routine to keep, but its nice to have a place to post something.
I'm tired and really drained. I know things will pass. It is just a matter of time but the process of going through it is really tough. Sometimes I realize I put really high expectation on myself but if I don't they perhaps nothing can be achieved. Still, I hoped. Like today, it was suppose to be a total blow but I somehow took it coolly and feel grateful more than anything. Sometimes we gotta look past things and realize that we're blessed after all. Second chances don't come all the time and I'd like to say 'thank you.
At least with this little hope of a second chance, maybe things will not be as bad as it already was :)
There is still time for things to turn out differently. Maybe not the best but at least better than before... but all effort in okeh~
Rum and Raisins
To let faith lead me into a deeper understanding of prayer and live simply, love generously, care deeply and speak kindly
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Crossroads
In my head, there's yet so many uncertainties. Even with this blog venting i know very well that i won't be able to get answers for my confusion. Instead i resolve this time to searching for quotes and hope that it would somehow in a little way offer me some insight.
Have you ever had so much in your mind that you wake up each morning feeling more tired that ever......
Why couldn't i make up my mind and just be a lil' more brave to go for the things i really want... why must there always be so much to consider...
Maybe i should try flipping a coin... and cross my fingers hoping that before the coin touches the ground i would have decide what i have wanted all the while. If it drops and i still haven come up with anything, then i guess even if i spend a whole day flipping its only a waste of time
I should be where i was placed...but half of me wants to be rebellious. I want to hold up a white flag but what if its not what i want, will i be able to walk with faith.... The question is: Am i capable?
Perhaps all these while the only dilemma was that if the change happens then i would become a wolf. Would i be able to endure all these while remaining strong enough to still run ahead challenging myself and achieving the standards i've set for myself?
Alicia, this quote is for you too in hope that it would encourage you because i thought its rather true although very little will choose this path to walk alone cause it will be too painful. But perhaps someday, this pain would give you no regrets in your decision.
And i wish one day i would be able to say "I have no regrets" no matter what decisions i'm bound to make.
engraved memories of
joanna
Friday, March 18, 2011
Limits
The urge to write something just surfaces tonight together with alot of mixed feelings that i've been carrying with me so that many weeks. A final breakdown i guess.... Listening to the same album same song again and again with lyrics i understand not didn't clear my head. I'm tired physically and mentally but i don't feel like going to bed. Nothing within seems right and i feel lost.
I need time...but time, will you at this time wait for me
Desperate for a holiday, an escape.
Perhaps i should stop comparing or out-do myself... Even more i wish some feelings were delete-able. But then maybe i should try turn this feelings into a drive that enables me to re-think my directions and understand my limits.
Desperate for a holiday, an escape.
engraved memories of
joanna
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
There goes....all of it
Things or rather time just slips away so easily yet swiftly and here am i sitting in front of my lappy in the early hours of december the beginning and realise that i should make use of my time better than this. All the thoughts of wanting to enjoy and accomplish many many things since the beginning of sorrows when the subjects begin to get heavy (at least for me) seem to have vanish and i am passing each day without aims, sleeping at the wrong hours of the days and stalking morning cartoons and dramas on tv.
Well, that's it then. A semester has pass and gone-by and you might have asked deep inside "Is this the uni life you'd expect then?" But i say "Oh well, all the same all the same except with more freedom in every sense almost and eating becomes only a need no longer enjoyable." But look... this is how it was like
Orientation was a total torture as the lack of sleep only makes aches all over when you're require to sit all day listening to helpful talks (which mostly was very uninformative) but the seniors were good people that taught us alot thou i do not deny that as on earth yet are they the good and the 'neevil'. No sooner classes commence and i was non the less still blur and found hard to adapt to certain things which i realise i'd just gotta bear with it and if ever they annoy me i can only curse under my breath...
So the seniors weren't scary... my room seniors weren't bad either. Nice people they are, really. That i am glad to have their companionship to understand. The process of getting to know people was the gist of it... lets say we've found good ones and also hard ones, funny ones and also crazy ones not forgetting all the fb and dinner kaki's. And then the seed grows to blossom...
University was absurdly humongous and the sad part is that one bus doesn't go around so my legs are strong now eh.. Then there's the monday blues where you have 8am class and there's a multitude standing and fighting for a seemingly tiny bus under the rushing crowd. Life's survival law:survival of the fittest. Fight or push your way thru and most of the time i just get sucked up into the bus without trying hard cause its like that. Nightmare is was... yes.
Library in which most of the time i'd be seen in there if there's break in between cause by the time you'd reach the bed to take a breath its time to rush for the coming class.... that's how large the comparison was. But rather call yourself student eh if library is no second home for you?
Block P3 Room 432 was the place of rest together with 3 other people. You can say that this 3feet wide place is my corner where i eat, sleep and die lol... Cramp ain't it but i manage somehow with loads of books and other unreasonable stuffs. As time goes, i eventually share my bed with them books.
Then going to uni also made sleep at the time where most people are almost waking or i sleep at irregular hours like 7-9pm and haven had dinner. It was a silly thing to do but you just get so tired nothing else mattered not when we have tests like that's the only thing that mattered or tutorials which have tutors that might kill you if you didn't finish them or assignments all over with group mates rendered no point nor lab reports should one take it seriously. Then the physics prof always says "you should find time to do your exercise everyday" Hullo.... whats with my 24 hours i wonder?
Do silly things that the cctv man might laugh his head off is they really do have one.. So you raid the lecture hall when the last class ended too early or the lecturer just decided to play sick. Fun tho....
In the midst of the green campus we all call 'forest' there's is indeed a bridge that leads us to the glorious MCD which we celebrated our first month of uni life... with much complains and comments on college, roommates, coursemates and all that.
No sooner did we discover porky noodles instead of having economy rice daily which was getting kinda dull.
There was also joyce's birthday celebrated by the mbs gang... Our school happen to be the funny ones which had too many enrolment which result of the 'sama sekolah' gang but it was good, like a second chance as i didn't hold this opportunity to get to know them better at school. Never talked to chester, menghua and i always had conversations on toilet rolls and null, hankee was always the help station and alicia was still a distant friend until
We became inseparable in uni except for the times when i left for home.. apologies on that. Humans are just weird things and i never seen it come too. But we're best buddies now and still lots to share and learn up till 4years. Having you as a friend is a great comfort to the heart really...
Put all eating aside, there are yet many activities participated and yields a smile and unforgettable memories. Poignant ones... The tanglung celebration of our college and letting off the gigantic helium lantern was a first time. Had camps with so low in budget that i almost manage thru 3 days without a wholesome shower (nao nao... its a camp that you'd even have to cook your own food and there is only 2 toilets with almost 80 people) without proper sleep until when i got back to my room for the entire 20yrs of life i learned to enjoy a nice cold bath and sleep well. Only too well because on this particular day was the beginning of truant. Oh well.....
Intercollege sports - The game of squash that bonds not to mention all the 'ouch and ahhhh' that even counterpain doesn't offer relieve. Victory wasn't ours but they did give us an experience and the leaning of this game was indeed fun minus tiring as trainings are all at night (the only time where most do not have class... and yes, there are classes from 8-10pm in upm) There's rugby which i didn't get to watch the game because i was dying in tutorial classes and basketball which i begin to enjoy watching and cheering for our team...
The best part came when lilian took us out for dinner... it was some time we had that we'd hope it would happen often...
Happening are they...? Yet there are still alot of uncertainties in my head to which might determine the future but which is the path for me.. While these are things to ponder and consider throughly results are round the corner and in a reality world they matters the most. Then, i've also learned about life and people to know enough of the many things and ways that the wise has talked about and experience them myself to know that uni is actually the preview of the world outside except that every action comes a consequence and only hope they are lessons engraved deep within shall it not be repeated besides stuffing my brains with physics formulas, chemistry reactions, ethnic and tamadun views and calculus theorem which makes no sense. All to my dismay, have already entered the recycle bin in my dum dum head!
Well, that's it then. A semester has pass and gone-by and you might have asked deep inside "Is this the uni life you'd expect then?" But i say "Oh well, all the same all the same except with more freedom in every sense almost and eating becomes only a need no longer enjoyable." But look... this is how it was like
Orientation was a total torture as the lack of sleep only makes aches all over when you're require to sit all day listening to helpful talks (which mostly was very uninformative) but the seniors were good people that taught us alot thou i do not deny that as on earth yet are they the good and the 'neevil'. No sooner classes commence and i was non the less still blur and found hard to adapt to certain things which i realise i'd just gotta bear with it and if ever they annoy me i can only curse under my breath...
So the seniors weren't scary... my room seniors weren't bad either. Nice people they are, really. That i am glad to have their companionship to understand. The process of getting to know people was the gist of it... lets say we've found good ones and also hard ones, funny ones and also crazy ones not forgetting all the fb and dinner kaki's. And then the seed grows to blossom...
University was absurdly humongous and the sad part is that one bus doesn't go around so my legs are strong now eh.. Then there's the monday blues where you have 8am class and there's a multitude standing and fighting for a seemingly tiny bus under the rushing crowd. Life's survival law:survival of the fittest. Fight or push your way thru and most of the time i just get sucked up into the bus without trying hard cause its like that. Nightmare is was... yes.
Block P3 Room 432 was the place of rest together with 3 other people. You can say that this 3feet wide place is my corner where i eat, sleep and die lol... Cramp ain't it but i manage somehow with loads of books and other unreasonable stuffs. As time goes, i eventually share my bed with them books.
Then going to uni also made sleep at the time where most people are almost waking or i sleep at irregular hours like 7-9pm and haven had dinner. It was a silly thing to do but you just get so tired nothing else mattered not when we have tests like that's the only thing that mattered or tutorials which have tutors that might kill you if you didn't finish them or assignments all over with group mates rendered no point nor lab reports should one take it seriously. Then the physics prof always says "you should find time to do your exercise everyday" Hullo.... whats with my 24 hours i wonder?
Do silly things that the cctv man might laugh his head off is they really do have one.. So you raid the lecture hall when the last class ended too early or the lecturer just decided to play sick. Fun tho....
In the midst of the green campus we all call 'forest' there's is indeed a bridge that leads us to the glorious MCD which we celebrated our first month of uni life... with much complains and comments on college, roommates, coursemates and all that.
No sooner did we discover porky noodles instead of having economy rice daily which was getting kinda dull.
There was also joyce's birthday celebrated by the mbs gang... Our school happen to be the funny ones which had too many enrolment which result of the 'sama sekolah' gang but it was good, like a second chance as i didn't hold this opportunity to get to know them better at school. Never talked to chester, menghua and i always had conversations on toilet rolls and null, hankee was always the help station and alicia was still a distant friend until
We became inseparable in uni except for the times when i left for home.. apologies on that. Humans are just weird things and i never seen it come too. But we're best buddies now and still lots to share and learn up till 4years. Having you as a friend is a great comfort to the heart really...
Put all eating aside, there are yet many activities participated and yields a smile and unforgettable memories. Poignant ones... The tanglung celebration of our college and letting off the gigantic helium lantern was a first time. Had camps with so low in budget that i almost manage thru 3 days without a wholesome shower (nao nao... its a camp that you'd even have to cook your own food and there is only 2 toilets with almost 80 people) without proper sleep until when i got back to my room for the entire 20yrs of life i learned to enjoy a nice cold bath and sleep well. Only too well because on this particular day was the beginning of truant. Oh well.....
Intercollege sports - The game of squash that bonds not to mention all the 'ouch and ahhhh' that even counterpain doesn't offer relieve. Victory wasn't ours but they did give us an experience and the leaning of this game was indeed fun minus tiring as trainings are all at night (the only time where most do not have class... and yes, there are classes from 8-10pm in upm) There's rugby which i didn't get to watch the game because i was dying in tutorial classes and basketball which i begin to enjoy watching and cheering for our team...
The best part came when lilian took us out for dinner... it was some time we had that we'd hope it would happen often...
Happening are they...? Yet there are still alot of uncertainties in my head to which might determine the future but which is the path for me.. While these are things to ponder and consider throughly results are round the corner and in a reality world they matters the most. Then, i've also learned about life and people to know enough of the many things and ways that the wise has talked about and experience them myself to know that uni is actually the preview of the world outside except that every action comes a consequence and only hope they are lessons engraved deep within shall it not be repeated besides stuffing my brains with physics formulas, chemistry reactions, ethnic and tamadun views and calculus theorem which makes no sense. All to my dismay, have already entered the recycle bin in my dum dum head!
engraved memories of
joanna
Saturday, July 3, 2010
And so orientation and university begins tomorrow... dreads, worries, expectations, hopes and dreams might change...
what to anticipate and what would future turn out to be?
what to anticipate and what would future turn out to be?
engraved memories of
joanna
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Feelings
It feels nice isn't it when you bought something for someone and they liked it... then they come say a word of thank you to you :)
Sigh... damn ptptn website is unavailable to me since yesterday afternoon. And today is the last day for application submission =/ The in-the-net is hopeless and i am donkey for doing things last minute
Then you have some backache and tummy ache but you still need to sit upright all day... urgghhhh
Sigh... damn ptptn website is unavailable to me since yesterday afternoon. And today is the last day for application submission =/ The in-the-net is hopeless and i am donkey for doing things last minute
Then you have some backache and tummy ache but you still need to sit upright all day... urgghhhh
engraved memories of
joanna
Monday, June 21, 2010
Lost and helpless
18 June, keluarlah keputusan yang dinanti-nantikan dengan penuh harapan~
Namun, berasa agak kecewa because i got none of my 8 choices. Only I really thank God for being blessed enuf to be thrown into UPM rather that some other university 'cause UPM was indeed one of my option tho i much favor UKM. Only my course kinda dread me... because its majoring Physics and i am no physics brain :(
I feel so lost not knowing what is ahead and what holds the future.. It feels like my entire view is being clouded.. i am immersed in fear and so full of questions. Lost and helpless 'cause i cannot change things
An appeal to change course seem like a way of light but will i succeed?
What do i write to convince the deans?
What future did God pave for me that i didn't see...?
What if the 'that' i want is not the best for me as God sees it...?
What is things doesn't work or my appeal is being rejected... am i able to cope physics and more physics?
Apa yang akan terjadi??
Feel myself getting quieter since then, staring more into space.. thinking and thinking yet not know what is in my empty head. So much to do...and yet time seems to be running out. But i want to thank you deary for accompanying me at the crucial moment and thereafter...
Father, i feel so distant from you that when i talk to you it feels as if you're not listening to me... would you teach me what to do next...? Which stone is the one that will lead me on..? Guide me and hold me hand. Lead me on..
p.s// Offer accepted nevertheless...
Namun, berasa agak kecewa because i got none of my 8 choices. Only I really thank God for being blessed enuf to be thrown into UPM rather that some other university 'cause UPM was indeed one of my option tho i much favor UKM. Only my course kinda dread me... because its majoring Physics and i am no physics brain :(
I feel so lost not knowing what is ahead and what holds the future.. It feels like my entire view is being clouded.. i am immersed in fear and so full of questions. Lost and helpless 'cause i cannot change things
An appeal to change course seem like a way of light but will i succeed?
What do i write to convince the deans?
What future did God pave for me that i didn't see...?
What if the 'that' i want is not the best for me as God sees it...?
What is things doesn't work or my appeal is being rejected... am i able to cope physics and more physics?
Apa yang akan terjadi??
Feel myself getting quieter since then, staring more into space.. thinking and thinking yet not know what is in my empty head. So much to do...and yet time seems to be running out. But i want to thank you deary for accompanying me at the crucial moment and thereafter...
Father, i feel so distant from you that when i talk to you it feels as if you're not listening to me... would you teach me what to do next...? Which stone is the one that will lead me on..? Guide me and hold me hand. Lead me on..
p.s// Offer accepted nevertheless...
engraved memories of
joanna
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